Stuck in the Muck

stuck

I went to a gathering on Saturday and I was looking forward to seeing and talking with a lot of people that would be there. Due to my Cerebral Palsy, I knew I would need my scooter because it is hard for me to get around, and I wanted to be as independent as possible. I didn’t know which scooter to take because they both have different features.  I ended up taking my lighter scooter with the thought that if anyone wanted to give me a ride home, it could be taken apart and put in their car.

As soon as I got off of the van at the event, my scooter stopped working. I couldn’t believe it! People were really nice about helping me get around, but I felt stuck. I had taken my scooter so that I could be independent and here I was, more dependent because I needed a push everywhere I went! I had to be pushed over to the bathroom and to the next person to talk with, and it brought up a lot of old feelings.  And you know how people meander, so there would be times that I was pushed over to a group of people and then soon, they would all move on and unintentionally leave me sitting alone.

As people helped me, however, it brought up opportunities for rewarding conversations. I had a great conversation with a mother who shared that she had two kids with special needs who had passed away several years before, and that conversation probably never would have taken place if I could have gone wherever I wanted with my scooter. I had to really take my thoughts captive that day because I was tempted to feel sorry for myself and think, “If my scooter would be working, I could be doing all of the things I had planned to do!” Throughout the day, I continuously practiced putting those thoughts aside.

At the end of the day, one guy push me over to my friend, Mary Ann. Later she said, “You didn’t see the smile on his face when he was pushing you.” I thought about that and realized that when I try to be so independent, I may be robbing other people of the joy of connecting through helping me.

That night, I read Psalm 84:10, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”
As I read it, I thought, “Yes, I would rather be exactly where God wants me to be than anywhere else!”

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8 thoughts on “Stuck in the Muck

  1. Lyla, I love your perspective. Very encouraging!

  2. maeshiro3@gmail.com

    I won’t say I know how you feel, because I have never been where you are, but I think I experienced similar feeling before. I had put myself in strange land, in among strangers, with language that I could not understand. I did not know how to communicate except facial expressions. There was no public transportation and I did not know how to drive ( Well, I did not know where I was either) I had to depend on other people’s kindness just go to a language school. I had problems not just with conversation, but TV, newspaper, radio, telephone were useless to me. It was shocking when I realized I could not even pick up a phone when it rang. Mail took two or three weeks to get reply back from home( not internet nor computer back then). It is depressing when you can’t to talk to anyone. I wondered many, many days what people were saying while among people. I tried hard to learn the language but did not see much improvement. I had difficulty speaking up. My heart started beating fast , words often stuck on my throat and did not come out. I actually sweated when I tried to speak. I feared that I might say something wrong, people would not understand me or they might even laughed at me…. and they did. Self pity pounded on me every day, until I realized that I had wrong expectation on myself which was rooted on my stupid pride. You can’t expect yourself to do anything well without admitting where you are at first.
    Hiroshi

  3. So true Lyla

  4. Beautiful. I love and miss you my friend….

  5. I had a scooter for a few years too and used it mainly when we lived in Colorado. Our church camp was near Pikes Peak, and it got me up and down the hills of the camp. I didn’t ever get stranded with it though. I can imagine how humbling and frustrating that must have been. The first 1 1/2 years after I was injured in 1968, I was dependent on people to get me where I needed to go in a car. I remember how freeing it felt when I learned to drive with hand controls and could go someplace by myself without having to be taken there. It was wonderful! I gave the scooter to my Dad when he was no longer able to walk. He lives in a retirement center and it helped to give him his independence in his last years of his life. Thanks for sharing your experience and your heart!

    • We are stronger when we share our joy and frustrations with each other and the Lord.

      Many Blessings,

      Lyla

      “I am a pencil in God’s hand. God writes through us, and however imperfect instruments we may be, God writes beautifully.” ~Mother Teresa

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